Today was yet another wonderful day to me. i just reached home, still stinking from casting and a good dinner/ice choc out. i've been reading a few people's blogs and i just feel so compelled to write a real entry in here. first time in a long time. I was reading a few of my older entries, and they were so much more real than what i've been writing about lately. i think it comes with the fact that i've become a more private person and i really dont like talking about emotions or how i feel anymore. its easier to bottle everything inside and handle everything yourself than talking to someone about it... i feel bad burdening my friends with my troubles. However, I still know that I can depend on God and I don't have to rely on my own strength all the time. :) and i still do treasure good, deep conversations. haven't had those in awhile though.

And that is also why i've stopped archiving my older entries. some people have asked me "di, how come u dont have any archives?" or "di, is there something wrong with your blog?" a part of me feels embarrassed to put those entries up cos i used to blog so much more on how i feel on the inside. but now, i mostly just talk about the day's happenings and more superficial things, i guess. sometimes i wish that feelings and emotions-our humanly attributes, that which distinguishes us from other mammals-didn't exist. because it complicates our lives. falling in love has become an extra thing to do, an extra thing think about when we're planning our future. getting married, having kids. and all that stuff. what if u just can't find anybody? what if u fail in that part of your life? would u have to be resigned to your fate of living a seemingly less meaningful life than those who have found love? falling in love, getting married, to me have become one and the same thing as getting a career. just one more thing in life. one more hurdle. but even though it is troublesome, i still do think it would be nice to settle down with someone-to have a witness to your life, someone who gives a damn about you, someone u can share pieces of good news and your happiness with, someone you can come home to at the end of the day and share stories with, someone who would want to listen to what you have to say, and someone whom you would want to listen to and care about without holding back. Sometimes i think the sweetest thing a person can say to another is "how was your day?"

Anyways, in view of an entry i wrote before this new week started, the one about me hating school... I felt much better about it today. I mean, i can either sit here, hating school or do something about it right? its not school that i hate i guess, i just hate the fact that im not doing anything to make my uni experience a better one. actually its just fourth year, cos of the bad timetable. but i refuse to be a victim to a bad timetable! haha :) I think the fact that i live so near the optom building has been both good and bad. a lot of the time, i just go home in between lectures to nap (cos im always so tired!) and then i miss out on hanging out with my friends in the common room. So today, i went back a little earlier after the rest finished their prac to have lunch with them. even though it was only for an hour, it was better than nothing. after all, its the quality that counts.

Flare had casting in the evening today, and i nearly didn't wake up in time for it. the standard this year is much higher than previous years! so its really exciting for all of us :) went for dinner and ice chocolate with the flare gals and guys after casting. and i ate so much as usual! its amazing how this increase in my intake of food can make me...(ok this is gonna sound weird) proud of myself. haha. i know that sounds hard to comprehend. but if u knew me well a few years before this year/last year, i used to go on crash diets repeatedly. long periods of time when i wont eat anything/eat very little for each meal. and i was no fun at all! i didn't like shopping/have the desire to shop because i didnt like looking at myself in the mirror. i was ALWAYS tired... and whenever i was out having meals with friends, my mind was always pre-occupied with estimating how many calories i was taking in... and whenever i was back in singapore, i would wake up at 7 in the morning on 3-4 days of the week to run... and i was running while i was starving myself. i must have been crazy! and guy friends talking about pretty girls just left me wanting to starve myself even more. im really glad i've gotten out of that stage and have accepted my body type and the fact that i can't be skinny unless i try hard enough (which isn't worth it). also, i probably can out-eat any guy now. (:

i wanted to blog about my plans for the future because that's something i've been thinking about too lately... but i think i'll save that for later.

// posted by diana at 12:31 AM :: 5 comments